YTuesday, December 12, 2006

Land Of Four Million Smiles? (Part One)

Face it. Singaporeans aren't the most courteous bunch. You know it. Step out, anywhere, and you will witness countless incidences of our anti-social behaviour. Nowhere is this more apparant than in our MRT stations. At the train stations, teenagers loiter, hang around, sit on the floor. Some sit ON THE FLOOR, blocking people's path, others choose to relax at the staircase steps, sitting, ironically, next to signs with stern warnings of "DO NOT SIT ON THE STAIRS", printed in bold letters, of course.

It isn't much better on the trains and at the train platforms. Whenever a train arrives, people rush frantically to the train doors, elbowing, kicking, punching all the other people who are doing EXACTLY the same thing to everyone else. Those unfortunate saps who chose to alight are faced with the battle of their lives. The doors slide open, try as they might, they are unable to surpass the awesome force of those rushing into the train, and are overwhelmed within moments, and soon trampled under the feel of heels boots and sneakers, their arms thrown up in desperation, clinging to any metal pole in a last-ditch effort to live. To Live!!!

After the train begins moving, a natural phenomenon presents itself. People crowd and squeeze at the entrances of the train, but the middle is completely empty, save for occupied seats. Scientists have been studying this phenomenon, which the have named "Dumbass Singaporean Syndrome" DSS, for short. Top graduates from Harvard Oxford Stamford MIT have been doing research for decades, but are still unable to come up with any theories. One thing the scientists have noticed is that those few who try to move to the center are always met with growls and "tsks" of annoyance, often with a glare for good measure.

The ecosystem of the MRT train is a delicate balance. Scientists have discovered that there are several organisms that are always present on each and every train. First of all, there is the loudtalker. Either male or female, shabbily or well dressed. These annoying pricks will be screaming into their mobile phones, forcing everyone in the vicinity to be unwilling eavesdroppers. They even have the nerve to give people the "glare" and the "tsk" when told politely to keep it down. Next, there are the teenagers. When solitary, these creatures are harmless, choosing to keep to themselves, content with listening to their MP3 players, silently bobbing their heads to the unheard music, unaware that they look like utter morons. However, when these shy mammals come together in groups, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. These creatures metamorphose into loud, unreasonable assfaces, chatting with each other, swinging from pole to pole, like the primitive primates they are. Last but not least, there will be the mother, traveling with her young. Her maternal instincts command her to bring her children wherever she goes, and these dear sweet children, more often than not, piss people off with their childish games.

Now, what exactly causes Singaporeans to be such annoying pricks? Is it nature or nurture? Is this some modern day equivalent to Darwinism? Survival of the fittest? And just how can we turn Singaporeans into rational, friendly, normal human beings? We need to solve this problem, so that the next time foreigners come to Singapore, we will truly welcome them with four million smiles, so that they will be impressed with this little red dot, and in the future, come and spend all their money at our casinos.

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Blogged @ 5:06 PM